"The Jerk"
[first lines]
Navin R. Johnson: Huh? I am *not* a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends, and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi...
Navin R. Johnson: Huh? I am *not* a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends, and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi...
This is going to be a picture heavy, quote heavy post. This is a movie that gets better the older I get. Some of it is nostalgia, some of it is that Steve Martin made a smart movie and the older you are the more jokes you get.
[Navin recites some wisdom]
Navin R. Johnson: Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.
Navin R. Johnson: Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.
Navin R. Johnson: The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!
Harry Hartounian: Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.
Navin R. Johnson: Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book everyday! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.
[the Sniper points to Navin's name in the phone book]
Sniper: Johnson, Navin R... sounds like a typical ba$tard.
Harry Hartounian: Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.
Navin R. Johnson: Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book everyday! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.
[the Sniper points to Navin's name in the phone book]
Sniper: Johnson, Navin R... sounds like a typical ba$tard.
We quote this line all the time.
[a sniper keeps missing Navin and hitting cans of motor oil]
Navin R. Johnson: He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans.
Motel Guest: Don't call that dog "lifesaver;" call him "$hithead."
Navin R. Johnson: [bleakly] I've already given away eight p
encils, two hoola dolls, and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars.
Frosty: Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap, which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents.
Navin R. Johnson: Ah... It's a profit deal. Takes the pressure off. Get your weight guessed right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight guessing! Take a chance and win some crap!
Frosty: Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap, which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents.
Navin R. Johnson: Ah... It's a profit deal. Takes the pressure off. Get your weight guessed right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight guessing! Take a chance and win some crap!
Navin R. Johnson: You have great skin. Are you a model?
Marie: No. I'm a Cosmetologist.
Navin R. Johnson: A Cosmetologist? Really? Wow. Must tough to handle the weightlessness.
Marie: No. I'm a Cosmetologist.
Navin R. Johnson: A Cosmetologist? Really? Wow. Must tough to handle the weightlessness.
[in bed]
Navin R. Johnson: You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I'm glad, because there's something I want to say that's always been very difficult for me to say.
[pause]
Navin R. Johnson: "I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit." There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that.
Navin R. Johnson: You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I'm glad, because there's something I want to say that's always been very difficult for me to say.
[pause]
Navin R. Johnson: "I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit." There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that.
Navin R. Johnson: [upset about the escargot entre] First they didn't have the bamboo umbrellas for the drinks, and now snails on the food, two boobs!
This picture reminds me of the one I took of my husband for my Christmas post.
Navin R. Johnson: Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need *you*. I don't need anything. Except this.
[picks up an ashtray]
Navin R. Johnson: And that's the only thing I need is *this*. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray... And this paddle game. - The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need... And this remote control. - The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need... And these matches. - The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball... And this lamp. - The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all *I* need. And that's *all* I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one... I need this. - The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I'm some kind of a jerk or something! - And this. That's all I need.
[walking outside]
Navin R. Johnson: The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, and this magazine, and the chair.
Navin R. Johnson: [outside now] And I don't need one other thing, except my dog.
[$hithead growls at him]
Navin R. Johnson: I don't need my dog.
[picks up an ashtray]
Navin R. Johnson: And that's the only thing I need is *this*. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray... And this paddle game. - The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need... And this remote control. - The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need... And these matches. - The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball... And this lamp. - The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all *I* need. And that's *all* I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one... I need this. - The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I'm some kind of a jerk or something! - And this. That's all I need.
[walking outside]
Navin R. Johnson: The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, and this magazine, and the chair.
Navin R. Johnson: [outside now] And I don't need one other thing, except my dog.
[$hithead growls at him]
Navin R. Johnson: I don't need my dog.
So much happens in this movie, I couldn't possibly go through all of it. It is awesome. Did you know they made a television sequel? Good. Don't see it.
Now they need to get the real one on Blu-ray. It isn't out there. Hope that means there is a big re-release coming up.
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