Tuesday, November 29, 2011
"Bad Santa" 2003
This movie is all kinds of wrong.
I went to this in the theater. I blame viewing this on football. There are many movies that have been brought to me by the NFL. Just this past Sunday, my husband and I had this conversation. (I should note I was feeling extremely grumpy and have been working a lot and was tired to boot.)
I had been watching a movie and went up to take a shower before work. When I came downstairs the television had been changed to football.
"Seriously? More football?"
"You were in the shower. Was I supposed to watch that movie?"
"How much football can you watch?"
"Since Wednesday how much football have you watched?" (This was Thanksgiving weekend.)
"I don't know."
"How can you watch that much football?"
"How can you watch a movie over and over again?"
"Do we want to count how many times you have watched "Ricky Bobby" over and over again?"
"At least that is realistic."
"Not like your sparkly vampire." (OK, I was watching a "Twilight" movie. There is nothing else on Sunday mornings. So shoot me.)
So, Sundays, in the interest of my marital sanity, are often when I go to the movies.
This movie is great. I laughed so hard. I came home and told my husband it was a must see. The next day at work someone asked me what movie I'd seen. This movie is really hard to describe in a politically correct environment.
Billy Bob Thornton is Willie. He and his partner Marcus get jobs as a mall Santa and his elf each Christmas. They use their position to scope out the malls then on Christmas Eve, clean it out of money and various merchandise. It is working well until Willie meets the Kid.
Willie: Is that your underwear?
Kid: Part of it.
Willie: Where the hell's the rest of it?
[the kid opens his mouth to speak]
Willie: Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know. What do you want?
Kid: I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink. But now I changed my mind.
Willie: Yeah? What?
Kid: Now I don't want an elephant at all. I want a gorilla named Davy for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear. And he can take his orders from the talking walnut, so it won't be my bad thing.
[Santa looks at the kid in confusion]
Willie: Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no f**king gorilla. And I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did?
Kid: He made it all better?
Willie: No, he kicked my a$$. You know why?
Kid: Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?
Willie: What the f**k? No!
Kid: He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?
Willie: No. It's because he was a mean, drunk, son of a b**ch. And when he wasn't busy busting my a$$, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've gotta take what you need when you can get it. You've gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You have to stop being a pu$$y and kick these kids in the balls or something.
[the kid stares at Santa]
Willie: Or don't. $hit. I don't care. Just leave me the hell out of it.
Kid: Okay. Thanks Santa.
Soon he discovers that the Kid's dad is in prison and he is living with an inattentive grandmother. So he decides to move in and take advantage of the situation.
Before he knows it he is in love with a hot bartender who has a thing for Santa. He is also letting the kid get to him.
This is not a movie to pull out when the kids are still up, but it is hilarious.
Marcus: It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.
Willie: That's right. I forgot to take my pill.
Bob Chipeska: It's not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate...
Bob Chipeska: Yes. With a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?
Willie: Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.
I also don't have enough asterisks to quote this movie too much.
If the quotes are intriguing, watch the movie. It is funny.